My recent late-night ritual, when all is quiet and dark in the house, is to dive head-first into a series of new tracks bestowed upon me by the wonders of Limewire. I try, with all my might to to hold on to my remorse at the thought of illegal downloading, but then I look in my wallet and it all mysteriously disappears. You try expanding your music collection with my checks. I couldn't so much as purchase a millisecond of Yanni without having to pay it off in installments for the next 8 months. And I am SO over payment installments. But I'm wondering, though, how Limewire has so far managed, unlike Napster, to continually slip through the cracks. I am clearly getting loads of good quality tracks for free and I am certainly not sharing any of mine because I'm too lazy to figure out how to upload them. P2P sharing, as it's called in computer circles is a totally awesome and innovative idea. The thing is, with every great, noble idea, there will be some awful, unmoral person out there willing to exploit it. And that's where I come in. I watch movies for free too, now that you mention it. I have a man-friend that will burn me a copy of pretty much any movie I ask for, and then their is the wonder of the internet where you can find, well, just about anything. Free movies, or course, being included in that everything. And I couldn't be more thrilled. But I'm not all bad. I do tend to pay for most things. The movie theater, for instance, where they won't even let you upstairs for a piss without a ticket stub, often gets a great deal of my money on the weekends. Why, this year alone, I wouldn't be surprised if I had spent upwards of 200 bucks just to sit in a theater and crane my head up at a giant screen for 2 hours. And in the last two weeks, I have seen the movie "Eagle Eye" twice. Which is an absolute first for me. In my entire movie-going career, I have never seen a movie (even a really awesome one, like Dark Knight, or Iron Man... or something with Johnny Depp in it so that I could drool mindlessly thinking completely unnatural, and purely sexual thoughts) in the theaters more than once. To pay $10.50 more than once for any particular movie just seems ridiculous to me. And this past weekend I had my heart set on falling in love with "Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist". Instead, I gave in to my movie companions and saw "Eagle Eye". Again. And it made me realize something. Shia Labeouf has definitely gotten WAY hotter in the past two years. I remember him from my very brief Disney Channel days, when he played "Louis Stevens" on the show "Even Stevens", and I remember being fond of him even then, but more in the "we can hang out and make fart jokes together" way, as opposed to the, "we can knock back a few drinks, get a pizza and fuck" kind of way. Like now. My attraction to him becomes increasingly more prevalent. I found myself anticipating the appearance of his face on the screen, and imagining lame, but equally pleasing scenarios where he would sweep me off my feet and keep me on my back for at least 2 hours. But then, it could be nothing. I almost lost it during the preview of "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" when I had to stare at the achingly gorgeous features of William Bradley Pitt for a good minute. And whilst I endured that torture, my mind wandered to his bedmate, and I thought to myself, if I could just have one night in between the both of them, I could become a better person. No really, I mean it. I'm convinced that sex with them actually makes you THAT much better. Look at Billy Bob Thornton for instance. But, as usual, I'm getting off topic here. I had become dejected in my attraction to Shia, because I'd heard from People magazine that he was totally kicking it with Adrien Grenier's ex-girl Isabel Lucas, but, to my imagination's great delight, he showed up to the Eagle Eye premiere without her, following some pretty serious break-up rumors. Not that I don't daydream about guys with a woman, I mean, I've fucked Barack Obama like 48 times in my head since the debate ended at 9.30, but I do have a bit of a conscience, and so I have to imagine them breaking up gruesomely first, and then I can imagine us depicted in various explicit sexual scenes from the very pits of hell itself and be content. Also it helps to imagine them as unshakably democratic. And any guy who says The Shins are his favorite band like Shia Labeouf does on his Myspace (totally my favorite band too. We can get shack up and share custody of a dog now) has gotta have some democrat in him somewhere. Speaking of democrats, my favorite one did pretty well today in the Town Hall meeting that more closely resembled a particularly aggressive public service announcement from both candidates instead of the open forum it was meant to be. I think both of them were pretty quick on the draw against each other, though, due mostly to my bias, I feel certain Obama reigned supreme. I could hear the heavy breathing every time McCain moved across the stage and tried to speak at the same time. You could just hear him thinking "damn that ar-th-ritis. (you know how old people draw out words in that annoying way...)" and hoping no one mistakes any of the new liver spots on his face as returning Melanoma. (I'm going to stop making the melanoma jokes soon. I swear.) Oh yeah, and by the way McCain, if you're reading (because thanks to seeing Eagle Eye two times in as many weeks, I am firmly reassured that ANYONE and EVERYONE is reading and watching AT ALL TIMES) I caught the hair regrowth joke you made when talking about advanced health-care plans, I'd like you to know that no one laughed because it wasn't fucking funny. At All. We already know you're old. If we need a reminder all we need do is watch you shuffle weakly across the stage muttering incoherently shouting the words "War hero" "Experience" "Maverick" and, my personal favorite, what seems to be your transparent attempt at being personable: "My Friends". We realize that you have been in public office since the pilgrims landed on Plymouth Rock, during which time you narrowly escaped permanent dismantlement along with the rest of the Keating Five, a credential you conveniently fail to mention when you regurgitate your governmental resume, and we also know that you served in the armed forces where you were captured and sung like a canary, calling yourself both a "Black criminal" and an "Air pirate". So please shut up about it so we can do more important stuff. Like watch streaming episodes of The Hills from the past few weeks on MTV.com. And rent the 4th Indy movie. Because I'm getting tired of fucking Shia Labeouf on a table in an empty office at Chicago's FBI headquaters.
END.
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