A Glitch In the Time/Space Continuum.

This past month has been filled with a great many victories, surprises, and of course, sexy parties, so it goes without saying that I was too caught up in it all to be able to pursue my happy hobby of blogging until now. In the very last week of the month. On Thanksgiving Day. Because this was the only time I knew I'd be still long enough to get 'er done. Talking of which, I was watching TMZ the other day, and they were kind enough to show the American public just how fake Larry the Cable Guy's country accent is. Sellouts are so entertaining. So just for fun, and because I've just realized that I didn't really have as much insight to share in this blog as I thought, here is a list of this past month's victories and surprises:

1. The ability to say "President Barack Obama".

2. A new job.

3. A new "dance" partner. *ahem*

4. A fresh pair of kicks.

5. A crush on Charles Hamilton. (The rapper, not the Novelist)

6. A better handle on the French language.

7. Good grades.

8. The realization that my birthday is now 71 days away.

9. The purchase of a sexy Guess by Marciano party dress... for all those sexy parties.

10. The idea that I am finally able, for the first time in 11 months, to pay all my bills on time.

It's also been about that long since my last tattoo, and I'd say it's time to rectify that situation before I start to go through some serious withdrawals. Because I am nothing if not dedicated. On a lighter note, my grandfather's alcoholic brother is here for the Thanksgiving weekend, and I must say, I am fascinated by his capacity to consume liquor without so much as a slurred word. Since he got here last night he's knocked back 15 of those tiny VSOP bottles, and three 40s without blinking. Maybe it's that tough Mississippi blood. But one has to wonder, given my family's alcoholic past, why I have yet to fall victim to that particular addiction. Hmm? You mean this bottle of Cuervo? Oh this is for my cold. No, it's brunch time. McDonald's just stopped serving breakfast, why cant I have a drink? Or three. Ive been watching MTV and am delighted to discover that it's still cool to exploit Britney Spears for ratings. And even she's in on it this time! There's going to be some special documentary where she "sets things straight" and I for one feel it my duty to be apart of this shameless display by watching every minute of it. The funny thing is, I actually kind of like her now. Train-wreck Britney was so much more fun that bubble gum pop-star Britney. When she put out Gimme more I was all like "no she didn't just say 'It's Britney, bitch'!" But I was also kind of like, wow... how very fascinating. Now I will admit that there was a brief lapse of judgment some 10 years ago when I, as an influential prepubescent bought her 1st album. But I immediately hated it and gave it away. And since then, it has given me no greater pleasure than to spend the remainder of her career verbally abusing her and her image. So of course I was highly affronted when she began acting like a psycho, because it's totally not as funny making fun of someone who is doing rather a good job of it on their own. So then of course I went back to the Disney Channel stars and that has sustained me thus far. IT was cemented when I was dragged along with my mom, her boyfriend and my 7 year old brother to see HMS 3, where I spent and hour and 40 minutes being anally raped by the cheesy singing, dancing, and high school love as only Disney can portray. And the only thing that sustained me was the verbal abuse of the awful experience exchanged between my mother and I. I am prepping for a nice, long evening of overeating the likes of which my stomach hasn't seen for, well, a year I guess. But that's not the real point of Thanksgiving is it? The real point of Thanksgiving is to butter people up with good tidings and heavy food so that they will be forced into sedation, after which you are free to pillage and loot all their belongings, and perhaps, for good measure, their home as well. Because you know that term "Indian-giver"? Well we Americans invented that shit. In fact, I'd even go as far as to say that it is the basis of our whole country's existence. And we're proud of our roots. Which is why we have made a national holiday of the one of the biggest robberies in American history. And cover it up with a giant turkey and a bunch of fattening food. Because, I mean you've seen the stats. Americans enjoy food. A Lot. And every lie sounds better with a pound of ham, some dressing and some collard greens. God Bless You All, And God Bless America.

END.

P.E. The next post won't suck as much as this one. Promise.